I spent an hour trying to troubleshoot why I can’t connect to either public WiFi (Peets) nor my own phone hotspot until the frustration and fatigue overwhelmed me and I’ve melted into a wretch blubbering in fatalism and disgrace. I had something else to say. It needed more work and I was going to finish it while drinking a caramel machiato, tech failed me and I was there and alone and lost.

I’m especially terrified that it’s a problem with the laptop. I just got it not long ago. Will this warrant sending it back? Will I have to customize it from the ground up again and reinstall everything? Is it a Hardware problem? An ASUS issue? Windows 8? Peets WiFi AND my phone simultaneously? I don’t want to beg another big corporation for mercy. I don’t want to spend a week getting it working again. I’ve been stepped on by big heartless companies so many times and I can’t handle another beating right now.

So I sit here feeling naked trying to speed up finishing this machiato so I can pack up and go home, dreading that I have nothing to post for tonight.

Feelings overwhelm me. I cannot reason. I cannot logic. Triggers cascade over each other and feed upon each ither. My brain floods with the usual grand mal failure-state cocktails. loser! permeates my entire existence. My past and future are saturated in incompetence! I am flooded with failure! until there’s nothing else.

And stupid. Everything is stupid now. That’s my stupid tablet on this stupid table. My perfectly good stupid mouse next to my stupid phone, and this stupid laptop that I can’t get to work so I’m completely sabotaged for this stupid night. I want to take a short stupid walk down a long crosswalk, become yet another stupid statistic about how this stupid society is stupid garbage.

The world is a giant tempest of chaos and tragedy and rigged games and traps, and any effort to build something, any effort to make something worthwhile any effort to form a life will be struck down by circumstance and bad luck. The odds are against me. Sooner or later something is going to wreck a day and that’ll be it. No internet. No computer. No brain. Really, one migraine and NaNoWriMo is over for me. One day of depression and I’m out of the running. One day of stupidity or writer’s block and it’s done. I. Will. Fail.

Why do I even try?

Why do I even try?

Why do I even try?

Why do I even try?

Why do I even try?


One thought on “Fail-State

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