The Devil’s Wares

The Mission Statement

Mighty Satan determined early in the game His company mission was to wipe out all of humankind, Armageddon style. And in the old times, He played hardball, throwing war, famine and pestilence at human colonies. But then some time around the Renaissance he stops all that nonsense for a new angle.

Around the 17th century, The Devil makes a deal with Faust, a one-time only thing, He insists. Yet after that Namtar, Betrayer of Isis completely changes tact, turning into something of a trickster, wheeling and dealing with everyone. Whispering in people’s ears. Working behind the scenes, sometimes engaging in extravagant ploys for only individual souls.

And the narratives never make it clear exactly why. Mind you, His ultimate goal, catastrophic annihilation of humankind hasn’t changed. Ask a member of the Church (now the Roman Catholic Church), he’ll affirm that there’s no question, Valefar, Father of Want is all about the mass extinction. And yet His methods as we’ve seen them don’t seem to be effective towards achieving that end. This is conspicuous when contrasted to, say Adolph Hitler or Napoleon, both of whom showed us what it looks like when an ambitious world conqueror gets busy.

The Business Model

In contrast to Hitler’s blitzkrieg-powered war machine, The Devil‘s narrative seems rely on one of three actions:

Taking control of (possessing) small children and widows to mess with people’s heads. The past efforts of Malphas, Muse of Grand TOS and EULA Ballads have only served as bad press, especially when He‘s chosen a photogenic victim that makes for a perfect subject of a human-interest story. Old Priest Sacrifices Himself During Exorcism To Save Adorable Blond Girl From Demonic Possession makes the Church look really good. And it draws more followers into the parish and more initiates into the Seminary.☩☩ It is possible Forneus, Gentleman to and Matchmaker of Lonely Rectors may like possessing little girls and making them rock the casbah entirely for His own enjoyment.

Selling wish-fulfillment, often in the form of magic doodads, to unsuspecting marks, either in exchange for their immortal soul, or while burying odious details in terms of service, and arranging for duress by which to complete the sale. (T3yN3M1S2 is the kind of cancer you don’t get better from… Unless you shop at the Satan Store!) Negative repercussions are revealed after the contract is in effect. Murmur, Magistrate of Unintended Backmask Messages relies on the robust skills of a well-paid legal team to fend off class-action suits based on His lengthy history of ex post facto-bad-faith.

Developing commercial product lines with sociopolitical aims, for instance influencing young people with new culture and media, and away from the traditions and cultures of their parents.

The Product Line

The narrative of Orkus, Prince of Perjurers suggests it is in his mass-production commercial efforts that He gains the furthest advances towards human annihilation. The terrors The Devil has unleashed upon humankind through commerce are manifold, including (but not limited to):

Beleth, The Prince of Princes (and Princesses) of Darkness is a considerable force behind popular music, at least since Elvïs, The Beatles and Rock-&-Roll. His efforts in the music industry have been felt since Ragtime, early Jazz and Blues. Some have argued The Devil‘s signature is all over romanticism as a movement descendent of Sturm and draäng. Gratuitous umlauts are commonly associated with Visigoths and devilry.

Complaints about Rock-&-Roll, even Death Metal and Black Metal (some bands of which openly celebrate associations with The Devil) have quieted conspicuously ever since the rise of Gangsta Rap, revealing once again that the best defense against censorship is to keep around someone else more offensive than you. Gangsta Rap isn’t Satanic. It’s just about being pissed off and not going to take it anymore.

Vepar, Who Will Rock You Like a Hurricane is the force behind pen-and-paper role-playing games primarily Dungeons and Dragons. Such games allowed participants to play evil characters, cast fictional magic spells and worship fictional deities, despite that no-one has, as of yet, started a religious cult based on a role-playing game, or successfully cast a magic spell from a role-playing game. (Not for want of some of us fishing for recruitment into the inner circles to learn the real magic. Disappointed, secret gamer cults. Disappointed.)

After a lengthy controversy over pen-and-paper games, a resurgence occurred in the nineties in which Häagenti, Lord of Creamy-Delicious Deceptive Advertising presided over collectible customizable card games (CCCGs) starting with Magic: The Gathering, which has proven such a successful game that Wizards of the Coast was able to purchase AD&D producer TSR straight out, despite the latter’s tie-ins to secret cults and diabolic money. The Devil‘s child-corrupting signature has been identified also in WoTC’s later projects, the Pokémon card game (now produced by Nintendo under WoTC patent license) and Yu-Gi-Oh!. Except Yu-Gi-Oh! is produced by Konami.

In the meantime, some prisons still ban Dungeons and Dragons related paraphernalia (dice, books, pencils and paper) to this day for fear of unifying prisoners into organized cults.

Ose, The Easy Gun channels content to authors of literary fiction, especially those willing to present alternative worlds that might feature cultures, beliefs and religions not our own. The Lord of the Rings, The Wizard of Oz and The Chronicles of Narnia have been identified as works inspired by The Devil and challenged as books unfit for public libraries. The Harry Potter series, channeled to J. K. Rowling is regarded even today as one of His magnum opuses.

In more recent history, iPos, Guilder of Cages has been trying His taloned left hand at young children’s picture books that address gay relationships, and young adult fiction that features coming-of-age issues and human sexuality.

Speaking of human sexuality, The Devil invests heavily in sex-related industries including the sex-toy industry, the development of contraceptive technologies and women’s health clinics that provide abortions (and all other clinics by proxy). Asmodeus, The Unrelenting Creepy Stalker Dude has an entire industry and activism effort towards improving the sexual health of the public on the premise that we cannot really be tempted to sexual perversion when we’re already plagued with guilt and self-loathing anytime we experience a sexual urge. The fruits of corruption are magnified by having something pristine to corrupt. And then Western culture has assured everyone is defiled with their first pubescent thought.

Also, some people have hypothesized that too much non-reproductive fucking might create some kind of magical energy cataclysm that might unmake the universe.

Sthenno, Accuser of the Ravaged promotes activist fronts supporting feminism and gay (LGBTQ) rights on the hypothesis that if a legitimately equal society in which everyone who was not a white affluent heterosexual cisgendered male was regarded by law and social norms identically to anyone who was a white affluent heterosexual cisgendered male could somehow be achieved, it would instantly collapse into savage barbarism. Toward this end, The Devil has raised thirteen legions of crack lesbian witches by which to wage war on social inequality.

Orobas, Because You Can’t Handle the Truth allegedly has a hand in the medical sector, which forces students to understand concepts of evolutionary biology (in contrast to God-inspired Creationist models of life based on the Book of Genesis) in order to qualify for their careers and perform their duties. The Devil has also been accounted with pushing mandated vaccinations known to cause autism. Efforts to resist vaccination mandates have not shown a clear reduction in autism cases, but they have shown visible increases in outbreaks of germs the vaccines targeted, such as measles and mumps.

Modern music, fantasy games, literary fiction, sex products and inoculations against contagious diseases. These are The Devil‘s instruments that play the song that ends the Earth. These are the ingredients of the recipe by which Great Satan has sealed humanity’s ultimate doom.


Edits: Style, punctuation and OMG she’s wearing the same name as I am!

The behind-the-scenes explanation of Drekävac, Patron of Failed Metal Bands' taking-it-down-a-notch is posited best by Neil Gaiman in American Gods, that the living heroes of one age become the legends of the next which become the gods of the next, which become the fairies and goblins of the next. We see this phenomenon today: Despite that we have media from the era when Adolph Hitler was a pragmatic politician and a living human being, we also see how he became legendary conqueror by the sixties and iconic evil figure by the late ’80s. The way that disliked politicians would be drawn with horns, tail and trident, now they are drawn a toothbrush moustache, a Imperial Roman salute and goosestepping (himself, though it was originally the Wehrmacht doing the goose-step, or Stechschritt, ceremonially in front of Hitler while on parade). Similarly, Hitler is associated with whatever group is to be demonized (Hitler is atheist, Darwinist, staunchly religious and gay at the convenience of the outraged activist).

As for a diegetic reason The Devil may have put on kid gloves, one can only speculate. He is way, way ahead in the soul-count race, but mostly because God — and the Church doing the accounting — have been exceptionally stingy with their backstage passes. It could also be that Phoenix Who’s a Pretty, If Explosive Bird wants to orchestrate anthropogenic human extinction (that is, we kill our own damn selves off), and He is patient enough to nudge and wait. Nudge and wait. On the other hand it could be He is a sporting fellow, and is genuinely embarrassed for God and for humankind just how decisive His imminent victory is. To be fair humans are a hubristic lot, often imagining themselves more rational and less manipulable than they really are. Oh, so manipulable.

Also suggested within the narrative, this reality is a false cage fabricated by a false god and The Devil runs a resistance front to help humans escape. Or it could be that He gets a lot of bad press. Indeed, most of what we hear of Furfur Who Totally Did NOT Inspire Furry-plushy Porn DON’T LOOK AT ME YOU BROUGHT THAT ON YOURSELVES YOU FOOLS comes from His opposition.

☩☩ It’s possible that Eligos, Prince of Spies has gotten wiser with experience, only possessing people in ways that offer plausible deniability (e.g. possessing children and then behaving consistent with ordinary children’s behavior or common symptoms of mental disorders.) Exorcists brought on the scene are chastised for overreach and abusive treatments, and the religious community around them are condemned for superstition and child abuse. Better still The Devil could also get more bang possessing and driving persons in authority to be abusive, say to drive priests to ravage their choirmembers or to drive pastors to commit adultery with their acolytes. There have been some attempts to add real-world incidents to the Satan narrative. So far such incidents have been received with a great amount of skepticism. The Devil made you do it. Uh huh. Right.

It is, curiously, not part of the Faustian-deal narrative for the Devil to sell His wish-fulfillment and magic doodads so that they work great for the buyer, but at considerable cost and collateral damage to the community around him. (Because fuck those guys!) Imagine a small machine that chugged away to make you $10,000 a day but trashed thousands of other people’s lives to the tune of $100 a day each. Some people would leave that machine on forever. (Actually, they already do!) Devices of this sort would be easier on the Devil‘s reputation, score Him far more sales, and do far more damage to human civilization. Maybe Sabnock, Master of Worms should take a course in economics, and then market an invulnerability / giant penis / death-gaze package that can totally be had for a nominal price at the Satan Store.

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