Depressed again.

There’s been this mood thing going on for a few days now. Since there’s been this mood from people around me as well, I pondered if it could be the weather. Yesterday was a chipper day, though there it is. And today I expected to be tired after so much sun and social yesterday. But not this grumpy.

Sometimes the sad falls on me like rain, and often there’s nothing for it but to hang on and weather.

I’ve also been pondering some tough questions. My sweetheart observed I seem to be struggling to solve issues that are way, way bigger than me. Tipping at windmills or taking arms against the sea, and yes, I do. For the moment I need to stop and think about what compels me to do this. It might be simply wanting to save future generations against the suffering I’ve experienced, given that I find contemptible any society that would knowingly let it happen. But our society is getting pretty contemptible for many reasons than merely how it can’t stand its own children.

I don’t know if this is the thing that’s depressing me, but it’s been on my mind today. I think when I see people behave spitefully, when they take advantage of their position in the social majority to prey on minorities, when
it is acceptable that those advantaged ravage the meek, it sickens me and drives me to want to isolate and disassociate from the entire human species.

I presume that a quiet majority out there really believes in reciprocity and really wants real social equality. And I presume that people will accept social diversity and are willing to tolerate the freaks and weirdos and desperate criminals for the sake of a larger cooperative society. I presume that we don’t tolerate our fellow country-folk and hasten to abuse and violence not because we can’t or we don’t care for reciprocity, but that we’re just bad at it.

But I’m afraid that no, most people don’t care. Or they really do prefer if all the oddballs were chased off, or buried in mass graves because the peace of mind from conformity is more valuable to them than liberty or infrastructure. I’m afraid that most of us really do see the other people as assholes not worthy of the same rights we have, and we’ll always see assholes after our fiftieth Facebook friend, and will feel justified cheating them or letting them perish or even killing them if they aren’t leaving quickly enough.

I’m afraid that people in power will always prey on the meek. Maybe they just can’t help themselves.

Are we all driven to betray the nation for the good of the local community? Are we really incapable of thinking of each other as Americans or fellow human beings, because people are the wrong color or the wrong faith, or engage in activities that we find perverse or deviant?

I’m afraid we are, that we’re incapable despite the benefits of large societies, and despite our alleged mores of reciprocity or mercy or compassion or forgiveness that we just can’t help ourselves and will ultimately take up arms against anyone we find grotesque.

Anyway, I may be contemplating all that and feeling shitty because I just feel shitty and that’s a plausible thing on which to blame it. Depression for me isn’t because I cornered myself into a dilemma. Depression for me just is when it happens.

And for now I’m depressed.

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