More depressed. And Brock Turner.

It’s peak depression so far, which is to say it’s the worst it’s been this bout, but not as bad as it can get. It’ll be nice if tonight remains peak depression, and I feel better tomorrow. But for now, I’m stepping up the things I do to help process.

Tomorrow I have to try to get to a grocers because I’m nearly out of food, but also because certain foods will help me cope. Also a bag of frozen meat balls turned out to be a bag of falafel balls, and the things I have lying around were better augmented by the former than the later.

If tomorrow is worse than today, I expect it will be a challenge to get out of bed. Indeed, I slept for twelve hours today, and have been able to sleep for up to eighteen hours per day when things are critical.

The whole Brock Turner affair, specifically the news about the sentencing hasn’t helped. The Victim’s statement was heart-wrenching and outraging and triggering. (And deserving of a literary career.) This whole deflection from the matter of consent and assault to one of intoxication and promiscuity reminds me that I still need to add my voice to the consent conversation.

We need to change our entire culture so as to regard each other as having agency in their own lives. Sexuality and our permissiveness of rape (including the slut-shaming of women and non-chalance about prison rape — In Spongebob Squarepants cartoons! C’mon people!) is one part of the proverbial iceberg, but more and more our culture seems to regard people as targets to be exploited, either by force and coercion or through deception and misinformation. Even our law enforcement agencies (right up to the fucking FBI) lie to our judges to omit when evidence has been illegally obtained, or fabricated or we simply got a guy because we seized so much on him we could get him with conspiracy or espionage. (Yes, you too are guilty of these crimes.) Absence of regard for the common citizen is now the norm for our society.

We see that Turner is one of our nation’s elite, hence Judge Aaron Persky sentenced Turner six months saying a longer one would have a severe impact on him. He didn’t seem to reflect on how this highlights the separate castes in our society (think a black guy from a slum would get leniency?), or how we disregard rape or the agency of individuals en mass. Because fuck people.

I’m not ready to talk about this. I’m ashamed of my species. I want to believe we can be better, and I don’t want to be part of society if we can’t.

Maybe that’s why I’m trying so hard to think up ways to fix civilization.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

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