Am I depressed because I’m super tired? Or tired because I’m super depressed? Every night, one seems a lot like the other, and I can feel my mood shift if I dawdle at bedtime.
I’ve been, to borrow phrasing from Friedrich Nietzsche, gazing into my abyss, that is, writing about topics that can trigger. I’ve written (and rewritten) about half of the bit, and hope to post soon. But sometimes I get triggered and need to stop. Sometimes I get lost or distracted. Delays demoralize when I’m already depressed, and its easy to start believing my inner voices that I can’t do anything right.
On the I’m just so tired side, I was already feeling fatiguey early this week, possibly due to leaning on coffee too hard, and I went to San Francisco on Wednesday, which normally wipes me out Thursday, so it makes sense my travel-lag might continue into Friday. I feel bad because my Sweetheart was depending on me to help clean up for Easter festivities, and I fell through.
So is it depression? Fatigue? A bit of both and they’re compounding on each other?
Right now it’s hard to care. I just hope I’ll clear the far side soon.
I am super-sleepy today. I’d think that eleven hours of sleep would give me plenty, but I’ve ended up napping and am still nodding off. It may be a matter of my coffee threshold getting too high again. I may have to schedule a week of tapering off coffee soon. Doing so allows me to lower my coffee habit, but it’s a week of having zero motivation to do anything, and wanting to nap all the time.
Right now everything feels off. I accidentally scheduled yesterday’s post in the PM, so it posted late at night.
And the birthday of a recently deceased relative gloomed up the house yesterday evening.
Grilled cheese sandwiches were scheduled for dinner. But no one was hungry enough to eat.
And it rained a lot.
The power went out. I’m not sure how much work was lost. Less than an hour, fortunately.
And the GOP nuked the filibuster so that Gorsuch is in line for confirmation to the Supreme Court bench. And now knowing about his TransAm Trucking v. Administrative Review Board dissent, I don’t believe he’s capable of taking the high road.
Ren was curiously anxious all day, deciding to flee and yank when I was engaged in careful operations such as locking doors. After coffee was spilled, I resolved to rein him in to where he couldn’t interrupt me. In other words, he shared with me his distrust. I shared with him my frustration.
And it rained, which is less terrible when I don’t get wet and miserable. But I did. So it was.
Again, I was trying to write a thing, yesterday, and I realized it was several ideas worth posts each. So, I plucked one out and it turned out to be bigger than I thought, and may also be multiple posts.
Super lethargic day, yesterday. Worried about my sweetheart at work. Ren woke me from a dead sleep yesterday morning, too, and then was acting all guardy again. He snapped at me and tried to bite me again, but missed. Still, the hostility may have been unnerving enough to wreck my day.
Interestingly, I confronted him (In plain English, e.g. Ren, what the fuck is your damage?. Whether or not he understands me, he seems to respond well when I talk to him.) And something snapped back into place and he was friendly, submissive Ren again. I didn’t even have the heart to kennel him, though he still felt compelled to yap at distant noises.
So for the rest of yesterday, I couldn’t stay focused, not even when gaming.
I may be depressed again.
It didn’t do that at all, either of those times. At least not right away. But it may this time. Even if not right away.
Also, the new WordPress interface wants to store two copies of any image I upload. Is this a bug or a feature?
Of course, then I forget to schedule this post’s publication and WordPress just posts it immediately. Because I’m dum. And then all my subscribers get the email notice. Awkward.
I should go fall over in bed.